


Poison x Arachnid x Elastic

by jasdevisms



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Puns, Dick Jokes, Incest Jokes, M/M, POV Alternating, Sexual Humor, ageswap au, also this is a wip tho bc this au yo, alt title: hxh ova: illumi x kills x hisoka, hisoka pines for chrollos ass and somehow they kiss, nb chrollo (mmmmMMMMM), nb kalluto, nb kurapika, nobody is cis or het, oh and how could i forget, oh boy oh boy, on chrollo and hisoka's part. double team, on hisokas part, on hisokas part again, trans guy aroace shalnark (hell ye), trans guy gon (vrooms engine)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-29 20:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5141147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasdevisms/pseuds/jasdevisms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>3 teens (one that has a thing for his brother, one that is literally Satan, and one that is the type to pop boners at any moment fighting is mentioned) stick together not for survival, but because they like each other? Haha, wow. At one point, they kill people out of celebration, fight people and get the cash, get an actually good version of Sword Art Online, and fight furries.</p><p>This is my poor, and sorrowful attempt at humor.</p><p>AU: AGESWAP HELL</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All together, now

**Author's Note:**

> (begins praying)
> 
> these demon kids i tell you, they get to you

Poison x Arachnid x Elastic

POISON-

Illumi wasn’t the friendly type, as it was with most of his family. As the youngest - and hopefully last child his parents had - he was a bit….spoiled. The young Zoldyck often got what he wanted, when he wanted, due to everyone’s fear of his anger. This allowed him to be able to manipulate people very easily, as if it was natural.

Illumi’s presence was a formidable one when angered, and took an awful lot of enjoyment from tormenting those that gave him that wretched emotion. He also killed a few of the butlers, so hardly disobeyed him. The only one who dared to was Canary, who’d practically lift him up over her shoulder. That was annoying, but it was admirable she would even dare to stand up to him.

It was easy to keep a calm exterior, but it wasn’t as easy controlling his emotions once they got a bit….extreme. It could be as simple as letting him go on a mission with the one he cared for the most that would set him off.

And the one he cared for the most? Why, that was simple, the eldest brother, Killua.

\--

Killua was absolutely stunning in both appearance and personality (A rare combination). He was quite tall, being about 187 cm, and had very curly, medium-length hair that he often kept in a braid. He was absolutely perfect.Helpful, charming, and a jokester with a bloodthirsty edge. Who could ask for more?

Illumi really admired his older brother and cared for him like nobody else could, and he took pride in keeping his Killua under check.

So when Killua left for a certain Hunter Exam without his permission, clearly, a problem arose.

\--

“Mother, get out of my way.”

Kikyo shook her head, frowning. She leaned down to Illumi, and told him something very simply.

“Illumi, Killua needs to do this for a mission of his, and he chose not to tell you due to…….how you act.”

So? It wasn’t like he would hurt Killua or anything as bad as that, so who cares if he went or not?

Besides, Killua was his, and he wouldn’t let him go away to places and make ‘friends’ with strangers.

He couldn’t have that.

\--

Before he knew it, he was stabbing Kikyo’s side with one of his many beloved needles, jabbing it in over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over a-  
\--

Milluki, his older brother by five years, had pulled him back.

Didn’t he know he was going to get the same treatment?

\--

Running, Illumi decided to do something he never did.

Jab some needles in himself, hopefully he got the desired effect.

Like his grandfather had told him, ‘There is a first time for everything’.

\--

Where is the exam?

\--

ARACHNID -

Chrollo Lucilfer pretty much owned Meteor City from the age of 10. He was charismatic, funny, kind, and helpful, and didn’t hurt people unless he needed to.  
And he needed to, often.

His mother and father were very powerful Nen users, and they were in control of everything, and were raising him to be the heir of the Lucilfer Mafia, which was infamous for it’s cruel tactics. Robbery, slaughter, torture, mass murder, y’know, the usual stuff!

His parents were admirable for their strengths, but they had their faults. They were not even close to being perfect!

So one day began to wonder, I bet I could control this city better than both of them now! So, he did what he had to do.

\--

Raising both hands, his book in one and the other holding back these scissors, filled with raw Nen. 

Chrollo gave a soft smile, and one last look at his parents alive and well.

“Die.”

\--

The blades had chopped up his parents hungrily, limb by limb, finger by finger, hair by hair. It was awfully fun to watch these proud and extravagant people fall to their baby boy. They were crying, boo-hoo, how sa-ad.

It was a riot! Their screams, and struggles to push back the blades with their own energy was absolutely pathetic! 

Chrollo couldn’t stop laughing. All he saw was two lovers, falling into the pit of Hell. 

\--

When they finally breathed their last, Chrollo felt a great surge of joy, and began to hide the bodies in his closet, not knowing where else, and not caring if they were found. These were his first trophies.

\--

Feitan was one of his first friends in the greatest slum of them all, and he had a tendency to...not talk. But that was okay, he knew he could trust him ! He was very reliable.

\--  
As much as Chrollo loved his home, he needed a change of pace. And so it was, he left everything in charge of all of his trustworthy friends! Uvogin would of course, take care of fighting off people along with Nobunga, Phinks would probably fight with them, or hang out with Feitan, who would everyone in check.

It was time for a new game anyways, wasn’t it?

\--  
ELASTIC-

Oh, Hisoka was the most pure, sweet, and gentle boy, unlike those other two! He wasn’t murderous, hateful, or spiteful to anybody at all! In fact, he helped old people cross the street and went to church daily!

Actually, that’s wrong. Really wrong.

Hisoka was the type to be deceitful, and often tricked people. It was honestly the most hilarious thing he has ever seen!

He had found a way to bend a many people to his own will, and pretty much refused to stop toying with them until they died.

So basically, he’s a rat that survives on his city’s filth. Sure, he’s a sixteen year old, and had a habit of being cocky and ignorant, but Hisoka had every right to be! In fact, he was stronger than most in Meteor City.

Emphasis on ‘most’.

There were like, what? 10 people that were stronger than him? Honestly, he found the idea of losing to someone hot as all hell. Especially if he was terribly wounded, that made everything all the more exciting. Hisoka was disgusting, and he knew it. That fact was something he took real pride in.

He was also a man of routine, so every year when that exam came around, he’d go there, every single chance he had.

He had a good feeling about this year.


	2. Welp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kawaii

POISON-

Illumi had done something terrible, something wretched, and disgusting.

He became a weeaboo for the sake of his Brother, his beautiful, fantastic, gorgeous, and perfect brother.

He mimicked one of those “Nyan Neko Sugar Girls” character’s voices as he said, “Nya…..rawr...hello neko girls.”

Perfect.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------

His head was shaking back and forth, most likely due to the needles, fantastic.

Click-click-a-click-click-a

Plus, it sounded extremely annoying. Oh, but it was okay, he’d do anything for Killua.

\------------------------------------------------------------

His odd-looking eyes moved over to person #666, a small boy around his own age with curly hair, and a pretty smile. He had this band around his forehead, for whatever reason. He wore one of those turtleneck tank-tops, which was a light blue with a spider on it.

The boy was pretty much ‘baby-faced’ and looked like an easy target.

Then there was person #44, oh my god, #44 appearance made him wanted to dry-heave. Messy red hair, skinnier than a needle, with a TERRIBLE fashion sense. He had this smirk on his face like he was better than everyone, what a jerk.

Then, someone bumped into #44, oh boy.

\------------------------------------------------------------

ARACHNID-

Chrollo raised an eyebrow, his head moving over in direction of the extremely loud screeching. His oblivious seeming smile covering the fact he wanted to giggle at this very sight.

This dude’s arms just turned into a bunch of cherry blossom petals, how ~romantic~.

The culprit stood by him, arms crossed, and honestly looked familiar.  
“Now now, remember to not be so rude next time, hmm?~♣”

A flower floated over to Chrollo, and ended up in his hair, he turned to 44, who gave a wink.

Chrollo was pretty sure he just witnessed his soulmate in action, and it was hot.

Like, wow.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“So, Mr. Magician, care to tell me your name?”, Chrollo gave his charismatic smile, and held out his hand, offering this mystery man to shake it.

“Oh?~ Well, the name’s Hisoka, and I think you are the one, the only, Chrollo Lucilfer, correct? ♥”, his smile was unfaltering, and he crossed his arms.  
Chrollo gave a mock gasp (or was it real, who knew?) and replied, “Oh my, I didn’t know I had fa-ans!” 

“Why yes, yes you do!~♢” Hisoka leaned down slightly, to get a closer look at the all mighty Spider, and gave a small whistle.

“My, I didn’t know you were so small, that’s adorable!♥”

Chrollo huffed, and crossed his arms, sure, he was 5’4, but that wasn’t anything super important.

\----------------------------------------------

After talking a bit, Chrollo and Hisoka decided to unite together in the name of friendship, memes, and being super gay. It was amazing, and just like a Shoujo.

However, they both took an interest in the weirdest looking guy there. He had this circular-shaped hairstyle, some sort of fabric covering his eyes, and...needles all over? Plus, he was the embodiment of :3

Okay, it was a bit too easy to tell that he was just faking this look, and it was a bit pathetic, but not that bad for a disguise.

Hisoka decided to take the initiative, and immediately strolled over to this odd person, his hands on his hips as he eyed this kid..

“Care to introduce yourself?♠ You look like a sad, lost, newbie.”

Click-a-click-a-click-a-click

“How intriguing.♣”

Wait, how did he understa-

Click-a-click

“Looking for your oniichan? What a wonderful endeavor!~♥”, the magician smiled, squinting his eyes ever so slightly.

“Perhaps me and my ~friend~ can have a name?~♢ We’d appreciate it, haha.”

No response/clicks/whatever this time.

“Okay, well, I’ll give you a name!~♠ How about…..” He looked over at Chrollo, smiling that mischievous smile, and turned back to the weirdo.

“Oniichan Kink Guy!”

\------  
ONIICHAN KINK GUY-

What the fuck  
\-------------  
ARACHNID-  
What the fuck

\--------------

ELASTIC-

Another great idea from me!

\--------

ONIICHAN KINK GUY-

 

In his beautiful, made-up, language (Gittrackish?), he proceeded to insult Hisoka, his family, his mother, and his ancestors.

To which was responded with a very cocky laugh.

It was really

really

REALLY

ANNOYING.

And Illumi hated this, and had the urge to kill that clown right away, and permanently wipe that disgusting smirk from his face. Hah! Who’d be laughing then?

Hisoka patted Illumi’s head, as if he was some sort of cat. If anything, Illumi was a fish, and fish don’t get pet.

“Well well, why don’t you show me and my ~friend~ how your eyes look? I bet they’re really pretty.♥”

No, stay away, you virgin pig.

Illumi knew his type, and was pretty sure this had the equivalent to killing this man brutally.  
Hisoka squealed like a pig in response, and then kept his mouth shut. Thank. God.

\--------------------  
ARACHNID-

As these two were…..bickering (?), Chrollo kept a close eye on the few people here radiating Nen.

#99- messy white hair, braid, and also had a :3 thing going on.

Messy haired guy wearing crocs and talking to #99- seemed strong, not much else to comment.

Random bald kid pretending to be a ninja shockingly has Nen- and a powerful one at that.

#301- Had a very extreme and intense Aura, probably wasn’t best to fight him.

#44- Chrollo’s favorite by far, and was also quite strong.

Other than these few, everyone else was just….boring.

And that was a huge disappointment.

\---------------------------

Some guy with no mouth came out, and basically made everyone jog one very long lap, and oh boy, it was hell.

A blond kid ran up to Chrollo, and began to talk for some reason.

“Hi, my name is Kurapika Sasuke, and my entire clan has been slaughtered by the Phantom Troupe, if you have any info, please call this number.”

He was handed a business card, and that person ran off.

It’s a short world, isn’t it?

\-------------------------------  
ELASTIC-

Hisoka was really not in the mood for this, running was bo-ring. 

And then….he saw the guy wearing crocs.

~CUE CARELESS WHISPER~

Man, several hot people in this exam really meant something.

Several hot and STRONG guys, nonetheless.

So, hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah

\--------------------------------

Click-a-click-a-click roughly translated to Don’t flirt with my brother 

“I’m gonna do it.♦” 

The clown walked up to the white haired man, and smiled. Man, he was going to piss off mr. incest.

“Your ASS is GRASS and I’m gonna MOW IT”  
Fucking nice

99 gasped offendedly, in turn, mr. crocs responded, “Wow, Killua! He really admires you!”

‘Killua’ responded, “Yeah, whatever.”

Oooh, tough crowd.

He ran ahead, and gave a little wave. Off he go.

**Author's Note:**

> SO ME AND A FRIEND OF MINE HAD THIS AU FOR A WHILE AND (S C R E AM S)
> 
> god help me im a sinner


End file.
